Our Authorial Guidelines
by JustineR
Summary: A writer struggles with her press's authorial guidelines, which have rather specific requirements regarding love scenes. Rating: Teen, for uncomfortably bad sex metaphors. Written for "Ludicrously Bad Sex" author challenge on another site.


**Our Authorial Guidelines**

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript _Mr. Darcy Dives Right In_ on schedule as per your contract. Your first book, _Oh_ , _Mr. Darcy!_ , is still selling briskly, and we are delighted to have you publish with us again.

However, we regret to say that we must request some revisions of the manuscript before we can move forward. As you know, it is the policy of this press not to publish stories with explicit sexual content in our Naughty But Nice Regency series. Some of the situations in the current version of the manuscript do not fall within our authorial guidelines. For example, the intimate scene on p. 135 featuring brutally anatomically correct terminology, such as one would find in a medical text, raises concerns for us. Perhaps you could substitute something more metaphorical.

We would like to request that you revise this and other passages to make them less direct.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. We appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions. And we also appreciate the creative baking theme that now runs through the manuscript. However, we still find the bedroom scenes problematic. For example: "Mr. Darcy thrust his love eclair into her quivering _tarte aux fruits_ , laboring to contain the cream filling as long as possible." Everyone loves a good pastry, of course, but we still think the language is perhaps a bit too culinary for our series. Please review our authorial guidelines and revise accordingly.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

We quite agree with your choice to dispense with the patisserie theme altogether. Unfortunately, we are still unable to publish the scenes as written. In particular, we are bothered by the phrasing on p. 126, "Darcy slid his thundering jackhammer into her sparkling ruby cave of desire."

The editorial team looks favorably on all spelunking metaphors as a rule. However, we have several concerns. First, we worry that the jackhammer might damage the rubies. Indeed we customarily encourage writers to be wary of sharp objects when they are not properly secured. Second, the jackhammer was not invented until 1848, and so we feel that its inclusion is anachronistic and should therefore be avoided. We are scrupulous about keeping our series historically accurate.

Please review our authorial guidelines and revise accordingly.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

We quite agree that the substitutes you proposed (and rejected) for "jackhammer" were also wanting. "Enormous mallet and chisel" still raised questions about safety in the context of the sparkling ruby cave of desire, and, as you said, all of the other appropriate tools were electric and thus also anachronistic. Therefore, we agree with your artistic choice to move away from power tools altogether.

Unfortunately the current revision still does not meet our authorial guidelines for the Naughty But Nice Regency series. On p. 114, the text now reads, "An ancient incantation on his lips, Darcy waved his magic meat wand back and forth in a slow, swooping motion before plunging it into the white-hot barbecue of her lust." We appreciate that both parts of the metaphor have a certain thematic unity, and we also like the echo of the book's title in the phrasing. At the same time, we do not quite understand the sudden introduction of the occult at this point in the story, which has up to now been a drawing-room drama. And once more we have safety concerns, and further worry that readers will be put off by the very evocative description of the mouth-watering smell of mixed grill following this passage.

Please review our authorial guidelines and revise accordingly.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

We are sorry that you feel artistically limited by our strictures against power tools, pastry, the occult, and grilled meats. We appreciate that you are seeking to avoid using hackneyed imagery, and encourage you to continue to do so. Still, perhaps you will consider returning to some tried-and-true metaphors such as swords and scabbards, flowers, etc. We have mixed views on trains and tunnels, however, as the first railroad using steam locomotives to haul coal was built in Britain in 1812, although the first passenger railway was not constructed until 1825. As you know, we always strive for historical accuracy.

Please review our authorial guidelines and revise accordingly.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

We think that there is promise in the new direction you have taken in this draft. "Darcy reverently slid the throbbing golden sceptre of his love toward the bright beacon of the crimson velvet jewel cask of her passion" is indeed an improvement in many ways over previous versions. We are slightly perplexed as to why a jewel cask would shine like a spotlight, however, and indeed wonder whether Mr. Darcy might be blinded by it. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

We regret that we cannot use any of your most recent revisions, as we have strict policies forbidding the mention of baboons or other wild animals, clowns, or space aliens in intimate scenes in the Naughty But Nice Regency series. As you will recall, the list of forbidden terms, locations, and themes was included in the authorial guidelines attached to the book contract. You may remember initialing the guidelines at the time of the contract signing. The editorial team is beginning to wonder if you are now pulling our collective leg.

On the off chance that you are not, the team applauds your creativity and inventiveness. However, perhaps it is time to dispense with attempts at originality and simply return to the classics, as I mentioned in an earlier missive. We frown on such obvious choices as "throbbing manhood," "love muscle," and "super-sized roast beef sandwich." But might I suggest the old standby "the seeking sword of his love," which pairs so nicely with "the quaking scabbard of her desire," and accompanying sheathing, driving home, etc. Clearly one must avoid such verbs as "clattering," "squeaking," or "clanking," as this would ruin the desired effect.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

* * *

To: Felicia St. Hubbins

From: Rhonda Parker, editor, Regency Romance Press

Dear Ms. St. Hubbins,

Thank you for your recent communication containing revised scenes from your manuscript. Once again, we appreciate the time and care you have put into the revisions.

The editorial team is delighted by the latest round of changes. We are especially fond of the scene on p. 145, where you have employed a botanically correct floral metaphor: "He gently probed her glistening pistil with the quivering pollen-laden stamen of his desire." Well done. It makes us sneeze just thinking about it.

We will forward your manuscript to the copyeditor and then on to the production team. And we look forward to working with you again on your next book, _Mr. Darcy, the Accomplished Swordsman_. Please remember to review our authorial guidelines before submitting the completed manuscript.

Sincerely,

Rhonda Parker, on behalf of the editorial team

 **~The End~**


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